Apologies for the lack of updates. Usually, an unintended hiatus is caused by having too much fun outside the Internet. This hiatus, however, has been caused by an honest attempt to improve my (unhealthy) coping mechanisms. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I do understand that it is important to my future mental health that I find a non-virtual way to deal with whatever is poisoning my mind, body, and soul. Unfortunately, most of the time I feel so deeply ashamed of this emotional plague, too worried about being a burden, too afraid of rejection, that finding an individual I trust enough is almost impossible. I want to emphasize that it is not at all that I don’t have anyone to turn to. It’s that I’m afraid to have anyone. Hence, the consistent turn to the faceless forum of the Internet.
These past couple of weeks, I have been trying hard to cure myself of this emotional plague without burning bridges in all my usual ways. I have tried crafting, cooking, new TV shows, starting the morning with self-validations, rediscovering spirituality, positive exercise, eating regular meals, pleasure reading, controlled breathing, hours spent in the library, hours spent in the sunshine… Unfortunately, this solid effort was derailed by The Return of the Shinsplints. Dancing, which had, until recently, acted as major life-glue, is now completely out of the question since I can barely mount the stairs. Being forced into stillness is the worst form of torture when I’m already feeling down in the dumps. As expected, the Flail began almost immediately, and I somehow managed to get hold of those good ol’ proverbial matches. Too embarrassed to ask people outright to come sit and be boring with me, I barfed emotions all over the Internet…again. A downpour of support and a feeling of immense distance followed. Somehow, allowing 600 people a brief glimpse into what I’ve been grasping with white-knuckles for so long didn’t fix a thing. Does anyone have a fire extinguisher?
What I am trying to say is that I need to change the nature of this blog, as well as my relationship with various social networking platforms. This blog began as a chronicle of my journey into underemployment. It was meant to be a veritable exploration of my life as a graduate of Oberlin College. While it has definitely been an honest venture, its honesty has strayed from its purpose, and I believe redefining my interactions within this space especially will help me redefine my interactions with myself and others. What you can expect is what I promised at the start: resume rants, work stories, endearing self-depreciation, historical rants, music/book/TV reviews, recipes, travel adventures, and more! What you should no longer expect is in-depth (yet oddly vague) discussions of my social insecurities and self-loathing. There is a time and a place for that stuff, and that time and place is neither here or now.
Sorry this entry was a disappointment. Tune in next time for the long-awaited Building a Better Burrito series, in which I turn your order at Agave into a deeply introspective eating experience!