Dear future best friend,
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be friends with a part-time pioneer who rolls burritos for dough, bowls for fun, knows the night sky like the back of her hand, and can turn every stroll through town into a walking history tour? Well, speculate no longer. This amateur astronomer-historian-herpetologist, bowling enthusiast, burrista, and singer of silly songs is looking for [platonic] love.
Ideal partner in crime will possess:
- an immunity to second-hand embarrassment
- a resting pulse of at least 60bpm
- properly honed nodding reflex, even when not listening
- 3-5 years of experience being a good friend
- proficiency in casual e-mailing/texting with a response time of 3hrs or less
- an appreciation for the internet’s cutest creatures
- enthusiasm for crafting and board games
Duties would entail:
- bowling
- running outdoors
- watching movies
- attending music concerts (classical, folk, whatever you like)
- participation in (bi)weekly wine & board game nights
- stargazing (during meteor showers, this might become mandatory)
- getting so much custard together, we get our free cones on the same day
- other duties may arise as summer progresses
Starting salary is 2 hugs per hour and is commensurate with experience. Benefits package includes: an open heart, automatic invitation to summer birthday celebrations, a hand to hold, and various opportunities to cuddle. Please send cover letters and resumes to jenislonely@thisisnotreal.com or contact the Friendship Bureau at 666-101-BFFL with any questions you may have. Jen is an equal opportunity friendship provider.
would you be this girl’s friend?
Pray, Madam, are you a Millennial? 
my resting pulse is too low
have your people call my people. i think we can make it work.