For the past three days, I have been treating myself. Fancy dinners, museum visits, concert tickets, cozy sweaters, new T.V. shows, road trips, sitting around with friends. I haven’t denied myself anything I’ve wanted, because for the next week or so, I will be sitting on my bed, (potentially) wallowing in pain, (potentially) wasting away, (potentially) dead.
Melodramatics aside, tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth pulled. Despite fears that my mouth will be too small and the oral surgeon will cut off my lips in an attempt to get a better view, or that the medicine will kill me, or that I’ll suffer permanent nerve damage, or that I’ll wake up mid-surgery…. Despite these crazy fears, I know I’ll be okay. I know I won’t die on the operating table. I know I won’t die alone in my bed. I know I won’t die. I know I won’t die. I know I won’t die.
(Just because I know it doesn’t mean I’m ready to commit to it.)
To steady my nerves on my way home from the grocery store, I made a list of all the reasons why it’s impossible that I’ll leave the office in a body bag tomorrow. This list not only reiterates my almost perfect health record (knock on wood), but it also reaffirms my status as A Good Person, and reminds me that there are still things left to do.
Here we go…10 Reasons Why I’m Not Going To Die:
1. I always put my cart back in the little cart pen after I’m done using it. If that’s not the mark of an upstanding citizen, I don’t know what is.
2. The final season of Parks & Rec starts the next day. If I die, I’ll have saved up all my tears for nothing.
3. I stop for pedestrians, and I never honk at them. Human and animal. I can wait 30 seconds.
4. I never finished my novel. (Technically, I haven’t started yet.) Imagine all the juicy secrets the world will be deprived of knowing!
5. I had two consecutive dreams with positive surgery results. I could feel the stitches with my tongue, but that didn’t stop me from fighting crime and backpacking in Minnesota.
6. I exercise regularly…if walking up and down flights of stairs, carrying tables, and lugging around stacks of chairs counts as exercise–and it does! (I also can’t forget the few crunches, squats, and the odd hour of dance practice I get in every few days.)
7. I just spent $35 on ice cream, smoothies, pudding, apple sauce, and soup. Tonight we dine…in hell!!
8. I went to Mass. Or, rather, I watched an episode of Father Ted and prayed 10 Hail Marys in lieu of going to Mass.
9. Someone has to water my lavender plant. My little buddy’s already a year old! Let’s not let him shrivel up in his prime–how cruel!
10. I started my first project at my new job, and I got three interviews in the past week. Clearly this just the beginning…right?
Here we go. Here we go. I have cleaned my room. I have tied up loose ends at work. I found a ride. I bought some food. I did hours upon hours of unnecessary research. Let the surgery begin!
(But, seriously, how do you keep yourself calm in the face of impending potential disaster?)