Christmas Gifts from a Broke Millennial

 

1) A cameo in a stress dream. It might go a bit like this: You were driving a mini van, and I was riding my brother’s old bike from elementary school. You picked me up in the middle of a cemetery and took me to the museum, which was a prison. My supervisor was the warden. He played the guitar and made us sit cross legged by the dinosaur skeleton and share our feelings. And then the roof collapsed in a dramatic waterfall. You had a boat and rescued me.

2) A Facebook message, just to say “hey,” but also a reminder that, three years ago, the last time we chatted, I asked you to bring me a bagel at work, and you forgot.

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3) An emotional declaration of my undying love for you and our memories together. An A.S.P.C.A. commercial may have just interrupted my video streaming experience, and it’s possible I will be crying, so I will text it to you. There will be heart emojis and probably pictures of dogs.

4) A few dozen cookies that I didn’t bake (but somehow acquired) that I can’t finish alone.

5) A disturbing historic holiday card, featuring two all-too-cherubic children sneaking around in the dark and a suggestive caption, which will arrive four days late (at the earliest).

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6) A parody of a Taylor Swift song I know you would appreciate, altered to be about the job application process, saved as a Word document on my hard drive, but sent as a Google Doc just in case my computer crashes tomorrow. (This is the most important thing I’ve written in years.)

7) Ten validating similes about you as a person. Example: You are like a majestic desert stallion, galloping into a fiery Southwest sunset. Or, perhaps: Your eyes sparkle like the scales of a diamond-encrusted fish swimming at the surface of the sea on a sunny afternoon. Believe it. I do.

8) A shout out on Instagram with a picture of us from college (#tbt), when our cheeks were still dewy with youth and our eyes full of hope.

9) A bottle of cheap wine we can pour into mugs or empty jam jars while we sit on my floor after I get off work and listen to girl punk albums on YouTube.

10) A promise made at 2am that I will come visit soon.

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