Christmas Gifts from a Broke Millennial


1) A cameo in a stress dream. It might go a bit like this: You were driving a mini van, and I was riding my brother’s old bike from elementary school. You picked me up in the middle of a cemetery and took me to the museum, which was a prison. My supervisor was the warden. He played the guitar and made us sit cross legged by the dinosaur skeleton and share our feelings. And then the roof collapsed in a dramatic waterfall. You had a boat and rescued me.

2) A Facebook message, just to say “hey,” but also a reminder that, three years ago, the last time we chatted, I asked you to bring me a bagel at work, and you forgot.



3) An emotional declaration of my undying love for you and our memories together. An A.S.P.C.A. commercial may have just interrupted my video streaming experience, and it’s possible I will be crying, so I will text it to you. There will be heart emojis and probably pictures of dogs.

4) A few dozen cookies that I didn’t bake (but somehow acquired) that I can’t finish alone.

5) A disturbing historic holiday card, featuring two all-too-cherubic children sneaking around in the dark and a suggestive caption, which will arrive four days late (at the earliest).


6) A parody of a Taylor Swift song I know you would appreciate, altered to be about the job application process, saved as a Word document on my hard drive, but sent as a Google Doc just in case my computer crashes tomorrow. (This is the most important thing I’ve written in years.)

7) Ten validating similes about you as a person. Example: You are like a majestic desert stallion, galloping into a fiery Southwest sunset. Or, perhaps: Your eyes sparkle like the scales of a diamond-encrusted fish swimming at the surface of the sea on a sunny afternoon. Believe it. I do.

8) A shout out on Instagram with a picture of us from college (#tbt), when our cheeks were still dewy with youth and our eyes full of hope.

9) A bottle of cheap wine we can pour into mugs or empty jam jars while we sit on my floor after I get off work and listen to girl punk albums on YouTube.

10) A promise made at 2am that I will come visit soon.



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