Things are heating up here in Cleveland. The Cavs won the NBA championship, the sun is shining, and window A/C units are popping up all over the city as temperatures climb well above 80°F. If you are one of those people who can boil water without overheating, who can comfortably keep all their clothes on, or who can sit on the couch after work without sticking to it, then this post is not for you. If you, like me, live in a third-floor apartment with direct sunlight so strong that your peanut butter liquefies in the cupboard, listen up. Whether by choice or circumstance, I have lived without air conditioning at home since 2008. I don’t even have air conditioning in my car, and I am ready to share my vast wisdom with the world. This list could change your life.
First thing you should do is leave. Why should you go mad indoors when you can read a book on a shady bench or drink an ice cold beer in an ice cold bar? “A resourceful man knows when to leave his home for another man’s A/C.” – Ancient Proverb
Pretend your ice cold shower is a waterfall in the rainforest. Your feet are in a stream and you’re rinsing your hair beneath the trickle of a gentle waterfall. Far off in the distance comes the call of an unknown tropical bird. Bright flowers color the peripheries of your vision. A virile man appears without a shirt…
Variety is the spice of life. If you’re looking for a change, skip the self-help books and try switching the direction of your ceiling fan instead. The blades should move counterclockwise to promote a cool, downward flow.
Work those biceps with the following exercise routine: Open all your windows. Close all your windows. Open all your windows again. Repeat. Shut your windows and curtains while you’re away to keep that nice morning chill from flying the coop. Open them at night for a refreshing breeze.
Stop wearing clothes. Come home and strip down. Lay on the floor and vow to never move again. This is where you die.
Keep a rotating stack of shirts in the freezer. If you must wear clothes, submit yourself to this truth: there is no closet. Do not take the clothes from your closet. The freezer is your closet now. Then you’ll see that it is not the clothes that are hot, it is only yourself.
Turn off all the lights. Lights produce heat. Live in the dark. Become Gollum.
Break up with your partner. Replace them with an ice pack. Trust me. You’re better off without them. Nothing feels better than sleeping alone on a hot summer’s night.
And, lastly, remember to drink water. There’s no quicker road to misery than dehydration in the middle of summer. Stay cool, it’s a hot one out there.